Beautiful column, Derek. It puts the “male loneliness” meme into a larger economic and social perspective. It makes me grateful that my own son, despite his youthful obsession with computers and my lax oversight of his online game playing, took it upon himself to occasionally get up from his desk and go outside to find a pick-up game of soccer somewhere. But this was in the 1990s, before iPhones arrived to steal everyone’s attention.
As compelling and shiny new technology is, we desperately need to put the focus back on human beings. Will we find leaders with the strength to do it? Will we find the strength within ourselves?
Devastating. I worry that a near future with AI-related labor losses will feed a meaningful segment of newly laid off workers into the pits of these isolating addictions, especially sports gambling (since that is so financially devastating).
I hope that the Democrats will start making a more explicit statement of concern about this and push to turn back public policy legalizing rampant gambling. The net effect seems to be serious dislocation of young people (men usually) from productive society, which is devastating for our whole economic system but especially on our productive capacity and our retirement system. Anger and resentment against our policymakers sleepwalking into a casino seem poised to be potent political issues.
While social conservatives (thinking of Deneen) have warned of this kind of predation of morally unmoored individuals by morally savage corporations, it seems unlikely that Republicans will serve at the frontline against the harms these companies cause.
Nicely written. As a father of two young children it feels there are inexorable forces coming to a head, mostly driven by the revolution in communications technology that this piece delves into. Never in my life have I been so uncertain about what the world will look like in the next 10, even 5, years.
When I was young I thought it would be exhilarating to be in a fulcrum point in history, maybe risking it all for some principle or noble cause. But experiencing it now there is nothing positive about it. There is just a feeling of loss and of whistling past the graveyard as daily life somehow grinds on.
The only thing I *have* become more certain of is that I will do everything in my power to keep social media, AI, gambling, away from my children for as long as I physically can.
Hey DMO, I posted about this on TikTok yesterday and got in some spirited conversations. I think more than keeping your kids away from these temptations is showing them and the world a better way. What is the alternative?
Where are the men of yesteryear who stand up and say "this way isn't working and is wrong."? I see an absence of straight, male role models to counter the redpilled narrative. I started my company because technology and socialization are my skills that I can offer to this social crisis (I'm a gay married guy). I'm wondering if you can be more vocal from a young father's perspective. There's a vacuum of straight men with bold voices showing a better way forward.
Would love to hear more of them other than Scott Galloway.
Scott Galloway has been delivering a similar message. As he puts it, our economy is sowing the seeds of our destruction as a species. The economy we are building will exacerbate all of the trends that are eroding our society, such as income inequality, corruption, mental health problems, declining literacy, declining birth rates, and so forth. Successful new businesses no longer rest on technological innovations that improve lives while also creating new adjacent industries and growing the economic pie. Instead, they involve new ways to extract rents by preying on human weaknesses.
Under Trump, the government is an active and enthusiastic participant in the destruction of society. Politicians who believe we can ever return to anything like "normal" are ignorant or deluded and are part of the problem. People like Chris Murphy, who seems to get all of this, are voices in the wilderness. The truth is almost too painful to face, and potential correctives seem too bold and complicated to ever take hold. To say I am pessimistic about our future is quite an understatement.
Right, any of these "tech" companies absolutely love these guys. Spending every waking moment on the internet? That's their ideal customer. Therefore Wall Street loves them too.
How do we find a way forward though if you're so pessimistic? Can't you, too, be a voice like you're posting here? Culture is what we create. If nothing else, boost Chris Murphy.
The American Monk experience resonates with me as an engineering student that finished University at the tail end of the COVID pandemic, working out at home, going to school full time at home, working two back to back full time internships at home — you the get the point, I was unbeknownst to most, miserable, tired, broken upon graduation. What they saw instead was an accomplished, happy, fit young man with a bright future.
But I spent the last 4 years since building up a life on my terms. Discovering and collaboratively assembling multiple friend groups and social scenes online (Private Discord gaming group for college friends) and offline (volunteer work and cofounded a public free volleyball league).
I have a rich social and personal life to show for it now, feeding my need for both social and physical recreational activities with plenty of parties to go around.
That doesn’t even begin to tap into the fact that my friend groups connect people across political, social, class, gender, orientation identities which we’ve been led to believe divide Americans today. My closest friends are liberals, independents, conservatives, religious, atheist, agnostic, trans, cis-gendered, queer, straight, working class, middle class, wealthy etc. Even then these labels, categories are so incomplete in capturing just how complex my friends really are. People contain multitudes.
Yet what brings us together is respect for each other’s dignity, reciprocity, vulnerability, humor and joy. I think it’s proof that there’s a way out of not just male loneliness but the question of coexistence in a plural society.
I've spent the past 2 years researching this and you're in the top 5% of functioning (I'm assuming) straight guys. I mean kudos to you...can you help other guys though? Browse the Reddit /lonely thread. It truly breaks my heart and we need more guys like you helping out other guys.
I think youre right to put the abundance / state capacity spin at the end (always be branding!), but I'd love to see you also frame it in the context of capitalism's longer evolution. Would recommend the essay How Will Capitalism End? by Wolfgang Streeck. Particularly because it similarly references Weber as you do. But to put a finer point on it, not only did the state switch from pouring concrete to legalizing gambling, our expectations of capitalism changed. "Capitalism was not based on a desire to get rich, but on self-discipline, methodical effort, responsible stewardship, sober devotion to a calling and to a rational organization of life." However we are so far removed from any notion of a moral revival of capitalism given how synonymous (rightfully so) it has become with corruption, growing inequality, and exploitation of both labor and nature.
Excellent piece, tying together a lot of important modern trends. One thing I'm curious about is the geography of these trends. It seems increasingly like "making it" is only possible in a few major cities. Inside those zip codes, high costs of living and a housing crunch force everyone into a Red Queen's Race for survival. Outside of them, the population is rapidly aging and the physical world is correspondingly just not that interesting for young people -- no cool jobs or booming industries, stale night life, and the same couple of people you've known your whole life. It's easy to see how either dynamic might lead people to gamble or seek a digital escape.
Doc Brown had it right all along. "The kids Marty! Something's gotta be done about the kids!" In all seriousness - as a father of a 10 year old boy - we try to live in the real world. He plays Little League, practices trumpet, and takes advantage of after school programs. Does he love PS5, iPad and Switch? He is a 10 year old boy! But he also plays ball with his friends in the yard and bikes to their houses. I am trying to instill an ethos of deliberate living in both my son and my elder daughter (14). The phones/games/vices are inescapable and always have been. Its providing enriching alternatives (and being lucky enough to be in a school district/neighborhood that provides them) that has got to be the answer on the flip side.
Great piece, but one aspect that I think is worth exploring further is whether this lifestyle is actually a revealed preference or a decision manipulated by surrounding environment.
All of these apps and websites are built on a decade plus of A/B testing that's optimized them for capturing and holding our attention. They know how our brain works better than we do so it's an unfair fight.
It's like having a jar of candy following you at all times. I don't want to snack on candy all day, but if it's always within reach, I won't have the willpower to resist the temptation every time. Eating the candy isn't necessarily a revealed preference, but the reality of the brain's flaws in weighing the trade-off of present vs future satisfaction.
As you point out, the anti-social script is easy and seemingly costless and it takes real effort and almost superhuman willpower to reject it even if that's what we really want. I think a lot of people are falling into these lifestyles almost subconsciously and can't figure out how to break out when it makes them unsatisfied and miserable.
The most striking part of the essay is that young men are the biggest target of these companies, "we don’t talk enough about the ‘male suckerfication crisis" is just chef's kiss. We have fed young males to the wolves and then complain when they get eaten.
I confess I have a hard time really coming to terms with so much discussion on people being alone. Feels like so many journalists and writers were just never an unpopular kid. Surprising to me, as I sorta assumed more people near to my age were from divorced families. With the norm of visiting one parent being to get basically dropped off at a country club or arcade for the day and told not to make a fuss.
Is there a take that focuses on when this became a problem, and not basically a norm of late teenage life?
I think the general consensus is that in the US these problems--as measured by statistics like depression, suicide rate, survey data of number of friends, etc amongst young people--rise sharply in the early 2010s, coinciding with the rise of social media. It's a clear inflection point.
It's also worth noting that your situation as a teen, as troubling as it was, is what DT is describing as "healthy" loneliness--the impulse to want to be socializing with other people when you are not getting enough of it in your life for whatever reason. But what we have nowadays is not lonely people blocked from making social connections (as you were by the circumstances of your parents' divorce), but *actively preferring* to be alone because of the compulsive addiction to social media, video games, pornography, gambling, and what have you.
Right, my question is why and how did it start going problematic, though? I certainly sought out ways to be alone for portions of my life. Sometimes I was fine being alone in a crowd, I think. But I actively avoided parties and did not have any desire to join a fraternity, as an example.
I also want to be clear that I don't think my teen experience was troubling. Somewhat lonely, but I agree with the idea that that is not a problem, in itself. Wasn't even the most lonely I've ever been.
I think the difference is that now, the thing causing people to want to be alone is clearly compulsive/addictive. Have you ever watched someone addicted to TikTok use that app? They watch a few seconds of a video, then scroll to the next one, then the next one, like someone on a slot machine. Have you ever watched a toddler entranced by algorithmic slop on YouTube? Video after video of an arbitrary toy being pulled out of a ball of clay, each clip just a few seconds long--and the child will watch this for literally hours on end. And of course the ubiquitous on-demand gambling and pornography as the article delves into, again giving people a compulsive "dopamine hit" that leaves them jonesing for another, and another.
In each case the person is not fully in control of their behavior in the same exact way someone addicted to a drug is not fully in control of their behavior. Think of it as "cognitive fentanyl" ravaging the population of young people, unchecked, year after year. That is quite a bit different than what I think you're describing, which is more like traditional shyness/introversion or just periods of loneliness, which of course has always just been a normal part of life for many people.
I've seen some of this. I'm still not fully sold on it being completely unique. I worry that a lot of it is a self fulfilling prophecy on being a problem.
In particular, I remember being addicted to video games as a kid. Same for shows. Porn wasn't exactly non-existent.
I do think not having boring periods is of note. And the ability to binge any entertainment is certainly new. To your point, you just scroll to the next one. Used to, we had to wait. Often times for a while.
I should also say I'm not necessarily challenging the idea that this is a problem. More curious on if there has been a good exploration of what makes it particularly bad today. And why is it not a problem in other nations? Or do they show the same data?
Phones, media, video games, and social media have made most of us more conditioned to seeking that next dopamine hit. The young men described here seem like the caged rats Tony Robbins talks about in his TED talk that keep hitting the cocaine laced water bottle. I would have liked to learn about the home environment that probably contributed greatly to these guys ending up in these extreme situations.
Beautiful column, Derek. It puts the “male loneliness” meme into a larger economic and social perspective. It makes me grateful that my own son, despite his youthful obsession with computers and my lax oversight of his online game playing, took it upon himself to occasionally get up from his desk and go outside to find a pick-up game of soccer somewhere. But this was in the 1990s, before iPhones arrived to steal everyone’s attention.
As compelling and shiny new technology is, we desperately need to put the focus back on human beings. Will we find leaders with the strength to do it? Will we find the strength within ourselves?
Devastating. I worry that a near future with AI-related labor losses will feed a meaningful segment of newly laid off workers into the pits of these isolating addictions, especially sports gambling (since that is so financially devastating).
I hope that the Democrats will start making a more explicit statement of concern about this and push to turn back public policy legalizing rampant gambling. The net effect seems to be serious dislocation of young people (men usually) from productive society, which is devastating for our whole economic system but especially on our productive capacity and our retirement system. Anger and resentment against our policymakers sleepwalking into a casino seem poised to be potent political issues.
While social conservatives (thinking of Deneen) have warned of this kind of predation of morally unmoored individuals by morally savage corporations, it seems unlikely that Republicans will serve at the frontline against the harms these companies cause.
Nicely written. As a father of two young children it feels there are inexorable forces coming to a head, mostly driven by the revolution in communications technology that this piece delves into. Never in my life have I been so uncertain about what the world will look like in the next 10, even 5, years.
When I was young I thought it would be exhilarating to be in a fulcrum point in history, maybe risking it all for some principle or noble cause. But experiencing it now there is nothing positive about it. There is just a feeling of loss and of whistling past the graveyard as daily life somehow grinds on.
The only thing I *have* become more certain of is that I will do everything in my power to keep social media, AI, gambling, away from my children for as long as I physically can.
Hey DMO, I posted about this on TikTok yesterday and got in some spirited conversations. I think more than keeping your kids away from these temptations is showing them and the world a better way. What is the alternative?
Where are the men of yesteryear who stand up and say "this way isn't working and is wrong."? I see an absence of straight, male role models to counter the redpilled narrative. I started my company because technology and socialization are my skills that I can offer to this social crisis (I'm a gay married guy). I'm wondering if you can be more vocal from a young father's perspective. There's a vacuum of straight men with bold voices showing a better way forward.
Would love to hear more of them other than Scott Galloway.
“Most of the cats that you meet on the streets speak of true love
Most of the time, they're sittin' and cryin' at home
One of these days, they know they gotta get goin'
Out of the door and down to the street all alone.”
Truckin’ The Grateful Dead
“Don't you push me, baby, 'cause I'm moanin' low
And I know a little something you won't ever know
Don't you touch hard liquor, just a cup of cold coffee
Gonna get up in the morning and go …
Everybody's braggin' and drinking that wine
I can tell the Queen of Diamonds by the way she shines
Come to daddy on the inside straight
Well, I got no chance of losing this time.”
The Loser The Grateful Dead
Scott Galloway has been delivering a similar message. As he puts it, our economy is sowing the seeds of our destruction as a species. The economy we are building will exacerbate all of the trends that are eroding our society, such as income inequality, corruption, mental health problems, declining literacy, declining birth rates, and so forth. Successful new businesses no longer rest on technological innovations that improve lives while also creating new adjacent industries and growing the economic pie. Instead, they involve new ways to extract rents by preying on human weaknesses.
Under Trump, the government is an active and enthusiastic participant in the destruction of society. Politicians who believe we can ever return to anything like "normal" are ignorant or deluded and are part of the problem. People like Chris Murphy, who seems to get all of this, are voices in the wilderness. The truth is almost too painful to face, and potential correctives seem too bold and complicated to ever take hold. To say I am pessimistic about our future is quite an understatement.
Right, any of these "tech" companies absolutely love these guys. Spending every waking moment on the internet? That's their ideal customer. Therefore Wall Street loves them too.
How do we find a way forward though if you're so pessimistic? Can't you, too, be a voice like you're posting here? Culture is what we create. If nothing else, boost Chris Murphy.
Great article!
The American Monk experience resonates with me as an engineering student that finished University at the tail end of the COVID pandemic, working out at home, going to school full time at home, working two back to back full time internships at home — you the get the point, I was unbeknownst to most, miserable, tired, broken upon graduation. What they saw instead was an accomplished, happy, fit young man with a bright future.
But I spent the last 4 years since building up a life on my terms. Discovering and collaboratively assembling multiple friend groups and social scenes online (Private Discord gaming group for college friends) and offline (volunteer work and cofounded a public free volleyball league).
I have a rich social and personal life to show for it now, feeding my need for both social and physical recreational activities with plenty of parties to go around.
That doesn’t even begin to tap into the fact that my friend groups connect people across political, social, class, gender, orientation identities which we’ve been led to believe divide Americans today. My closest friends are liberals, independents, conservatives, religious, atheist, agnostic, trans, cis-gendered, queer, straight, working class, middle class, wealthy etc. Even then these labels, categories are so incomplete in capturing just how complex my friends really are. People contain multitudes.
Yet what brings us together is respect for each other’s dignity, reciprocity, vulnerability, humor and joy. I think it’s proof that there’s a way out of not just male loneliness but the question of coexistence in a plural society.
I've spent the past 2 years researching this and you're in the top 5% of functioning (I'm assuming) straight guys. I mean kudos to you...can you help other guys though? Browse the Reddit /lonely thread. It truly breaks my heart and we need more guys like you helping out other guys.
I think youre right to put the abundance / state capacity spin at the end (always be branding!), but I'd love to see you also frame it in the context of capitalism's longer evolution. Would recommend the essay How Will Capitalism End? by Wolfgang Streeck. Particularly because it similarly references Weber as you do. But to put a finer point on it, not only did the state switch from pouring concrete to legalizing gambling, our expectations of capitalism changed. "Capitalism was not based on a desire to get rich, but on self-discipline, methodical effort, responsible stewardship, sober devotion to a calling and to a rational organization of life." However we are so far removed from any notion of a moral revival of capitalism given how synonymous (rightfully so) it has become with corruption, growing inequality, and exploitation of both labor and nature.
Excellent piece, tying together a lot of important modern trends. One thing I'm curious about is the geography of these trends. It seems increasingly like "making it" is only possible in a few major cities. Inside those zip codes, high costs of living and a housing crunch force everyone into a Red Queen's Race for survival. Outside of them, the population is rapidly aging and the physical world is correspondingly just not that interesting for young people -- no cool jobs or booming industries, stale night life, and the same couple of people you've known your whole life. It's easy to see how either dynamic might lead people to gamble or seek a digital escape.
Both can be problematic, but I think it bears stating explicitly that gambling is a million times worse for young men than porn. It’s not even close.
https://cathyreisenwitz.substack.com/p/gambling-is-a-million-times-worse
Doc Brown had it right all along. "The kids Marty! Something's gotta be done about the kids!" In all seriousness - as a father of a 10 year old boy - we try to live in the real world. He plays Little League, practices trumpet, and takes advantage of after school programs. Does he love PS5, iPad and Switch? He is a 10 year old boy! But he also plays ball with his friends in the yard and bikes to their houses. I am trying to instill an ethos of deliberate living in both my son and my elder daughter (14). The phones/games/vices are inescapable and always have been. Its providing enriching alternatives (and being lucky enough to be in a school district/neighborhood that provides them) that has got to be the answer on the flip side.
Something I cannot ignore is the simultaneous assault on and even criminalization of being awakened to and prioritizing the needs of others.
Great piece, but one aspect that I think is worth exploring further is whether this lifestyle is actually a revealed preference or a decision manipulated by surrounding environment.
All of these apps and websites are built on a decade plus of A/B testing that's optimized them for capturing and holding our attention. They know how our brain works better than we do so it's an unfair fight.
It's like having a jar of candy following you at all times. I don't want to snack on candy all day, but if it's always within reach, I won't have the willpower to resist the temptation every time. Eating the candy isn't necessarily a revealed preference, but the reality of the brain's flaws in weighing the trade-off of present vs future satisfaction.
As you point out, the anti-social script is easy and seemingly costless and it takes real effort and almost superhuman willpower to reject it even if that's what we really want. I think a lot of people are falling into these lifestyles almost subconsciously and can't figure out how to break out when it makes them unsatisfied and miserable.
The most striking part of the essay is that young men are the biggest target of these companies, "we don’t talk enough about the ‘male suckerfication crisis" is just chef's kiss. We have fed young males to the wolves and then complain when they get eaten.
I confess I have a hard time really coming to terms with so much discussion on people being alone. Feels like so many journalists and writers were just never an unpopular kid. Surprising to me, as I sorta assumed more people near to my age were from divorced families. With the norm of visiting one parent being to get basically dropped off at a country club or arcade for the day and told not to make a fuss.
Is there a take that focuses on when this became a problem, and not basically a norm of late teenage life?
I think the general consensus is that in the US these problems--as measured by statistics like depression, suicide rate, survey data of number of friends, etc amongst young people--rise sharply in the early 2010s, coinciding with the rise of social media. It's a clear inflection point.
It's also worth noting that your situation as a teen, as troubling as it was, is what DT is describing as "healthy" loneliness--the impulse to want to be socializing with other people when you are not getting enough of it in your life for whatever reason. But what we have nowadays is not lonely people blocked from making social connections (as you were by the circumstances of your parents' divorce), but *actively preferring* to be alone because of the compulsive addiction to social media, video games, pornography, gambling, and what have you.
Right, my question is why and how did it start going problematic, though? I certainly sought out ways to be alone for portions of my life. Sometimes I was fine being alone in a crowd, I think. But I actively avoided parties and did not have any desire to join a fraternity, as an example.
I also want to be clear that I don't think my teen experience was troubling. Somewhat lonely, but I agree with the idea that that is not a problem, in itself. Wasn't even the most lonely I've ever been.
I think the difference is that now, the thing causing people to want to be alone is clearly compulsive/addictive. Have you ever watched someone addicted to TikTok use that app? They watch a few seconds of a video, then scroll to the next one, then the next one, like someone on a slot machine. Have you ever watched a toddler entranced by algorithmic slop on YouTube? Video after video of an arbitrary toy being pulled out of a ball of clay, each clip just a few seconds long--and the child will watch this for literally hours on end. And of course the ubiquitous on-demand gambling and pornography as the article delves into, again giving people a compulsive "dopamine hit" that leaves them jonesing for another, and another.
In each case the person is not fully in control of their behavior in the same exact way someone addicted to a drug is not fully in control of their behavior. Think of it as "cognitive fentanyl" ravaging the population of young people, unchecked, year after year. That is quite a bit different than what I think you're describing, which is more like traditional shyness/introversion or just periods of loneliness, which of course has always just been a normal part of life for many people.
I've seen some of this. I'm still not fully sold on it being completely unique. I worry that a lot of it is a self fulfilling prophecy on being a problem.
In particular, I remember being addicted to video games as a kid. Same for shows. Porn wasn't exactly non-existent.
I do think not having boring periods is of note. And the ability to binge any entertainment is certainly new. To your point, you just scroll to the next one. Used to, we had to wait. Often times for a while.
I should also say I'm not necessarily challenging the idea that this is a problem. More curious on if there has been a good exploration of what makes it particularly bad today. And why is it not a problem in other nations? Or do they show the same data?
Phones, media, video games, and social media have made most of us more conditioned to seeking that next dopamine hit. The young men described here seem like the caged rats Tony Robbins talks about in his TED talk that keep hitting the cocaine laced water bottle. I would have liked to learn about the home environment that probably contributed greatly to these guys ending up in these extreme situations.
I love how you zoom in and out while making the case. Excellent writing and thoughts as always.