Another thing to blame on the phones: It’s now taboo to drop by someone’s house without texting first to coordinate a time.
As an elder millennial, I can confirm this was common as recently as the 90s, especially at grandma’s house. If a couple aunts and uncles stopped by, you had a social gathering without even trying.
I’m older than you are and I also miss that. I would *love* it if people just dropped by! But I’m leery of doing it myself because, as you note, it’s not something people do anymore. I *do* try to maximize the possibility of running into people, for example by using the main entrance to my apartment building even though the side door is closer to my unit; this helps a little bit.
Interesting piece about a complicated issue. I'd be interested in exploring the linkage between these antisocial developments and the rise of political partisanship and polarization. Intuitively, the decline and restructuring of social interactions that we have seen this century also lead to a decline in understanding and empathy for others, while also reinforcing our own beliefs and experiences. Because there is so much money to made, and influence to be accumulated, surfing these trends, they only get worse. I feel like we are in a doom loop of atomization and social decay, and I have a hard time imagining a path out of this mess.
Check out the work of Michael Bang Petersen on "need for chaos" -- he's found that social isolation seems to increase some ppl's likelihood of viewing politics nihilistically. When they pull themselves out of the world, ppl lose faith in progress and see politics as entertainment, and thus root for the most exciting story.
I am very interested in this topic! I have 3 kids ages 15, 13, and 10 and I fight the screen battle every single day. It is so draining. BUT the less screen time they have the more they get out. I am also a party host. Here are my tips: 1) to keep getting invited, you have to try to say yes most of the time when you are invited, 2) if it’s a newer to me group of friends - I say YES even when I know I got an invite on the B list :) you gotta get in somewhere! 3) I don’t love hosting and I don’t think I am so great at it - but really people don’t care and they’re just happy to be invited and not be hosting themselves. I take one for the team and return the favor by hosting things myself too. One thing I have not seen anyone mention, that I find somewhat paralyzing to me as a host is the idea of not leaving people out. I feel this topic is talked about now than when I was a kid (I’m 43). It sucks to leave people out, but you gotta draw the line somewhere. My house can only fit so many people and sometimes I find trying not to leave people out paralyzes me because I only have so much energy to host a bazillion people (like you mention - dual working parent household here) and if I was willing to do smaller, maybe I could do it more often.
I think this is, if anything, understated. Apologies for the wall of text but my experience might be illustrative:
When I was growing up in the 70s-80s, my parents didn't have actual parties - my mom owned a small business and didn't like to cook - but they went out all the time, and had people over/went to others' houses for things like card games. They also did these things with us kids; the adults would play cards and drink while the kids would play/watch tv, then fall asleep and be carried home (late) and put to bed. My parents also went away a lot - by themselves, a separate adult life was a thing back in the day - so later (but before social media made this a Really Bad Idea) I was the one who had parties, and one of my friends and I threw regular parties for our (dorky, honor society, instrument-playing) friend group.
When I started working in the 90s, I had regular dinner parties: first, big batches of spaghetti when we were starting out and scraping by and later, as I learned to cook by cooking, somewhat more elaborate but still casual situations. I once had my entire office over to my studio apartment. When I worked at an embassy in DC, I made myself the Ambassador of Thanksgiving and invited groups of diplomats every year. I also had a big holiday party shortly afterward.
In the late 00s, this all became harder to pull off. People wouldn't RSVP, or would and then not show up, so it became harder to plan for food etc and more frustrating. Parents were swamped by child-activity-related obligations, or didn't want to go to grown-up parties. I switched careers and then worked as a freelancer, a lot of my friends moved away, and it was harder to make new friends without the scaffolding of my previous policy-world ecosystem.
This feels like a real loss. I still try to plan get-togethers, but it's *so hard.* I work almost entirely remotely now (by necessity, not choice). A significant portion of the activities planned by people I know are centered on things like political protests (which are not my jam). Everyone's on a different schedule and a different diet. I (and many of my friends) have family responsibilities that require frequent travel. It sucks, and I don't know how to fix it, even just for myself.
I feel like this trend is reflected in entertainment, too. Commercially successful movies for young people, like Animal House, American Pie, Old School, Super Bad, and probably ending with Project X, revolved around parties as not just formative events, but almost life or death tipping points for kids. Essentially every replacement level teen movie or show in the 2000s used parties as a major plot point.
Big social gatherings really aren’t centered in teen movies anymore, and in the instances that they are featured, it’s usually pretty unremarkable and insignificant.
I haven't seen you talk much about this, but I think abundance can make a huge dent into making the "anti-social century" more social. If we build more housing, and make it easier for people to get around without cars by facilitating the use of walking, biking, tram lines, and other forms of transit, then we'll make socializing easier. Because if you can just walk or bike to a nearby bar or museum or library, then that makes it a lot easier to go and do stuff. Having so much of our lives depend upon cars really disincentivizes social gatherings.
Having more ways to get around will also help with health (because we'd be walking or biking more), loneliness for the elderly (because they would be able to get around without driving), give kids more independence (because they can get around more easily), and it'd be better for the environment (because less of us would need and use cars). Couple car dependence with addictive social media, of course many people are just gonna stay home.
I don't know what it is, but ever since I got into terrible zoning laws and the awful side-effects of car-dependent infrastructure, the more I see how much can be helped by focusing on those two issues.
Interesting read, as was your Atlantic piece a few months ago. To me (as a gen z’er) I think there are just a lot more alternative ways to spend time now than in the 80s. I think the rise of TVs maybe sparked this trend, but I think the prevalence of streaming services, video games, and yes, social media, all contribute. When my parents were kids, they had tvs, but were limited to only watching whatever was on the 3 or 4 channels they had at that time. Nowadays, not only do we have more channels and DVR’s to record things, but with streaming services you can essentially watch any movie or any episode of any show that’s ever been on tv (I don’t think that’s an exaggeration) – and you can watch them all in succession. Throw in that they are all constantly adding new content in any genre while competing for our attention, and you get a lot of people watching a lot of Netflix and the like.
Video games have also gotten dramatically better in quality and variety since the 90s as well. Games have much deeper stories, much better graphics and animations, and allow you to play with anyone in the world. These may be physically isolating, but not necessarily socially isolating. I find it interesting that video games are often not included in the discourse around declining socialization.
The discourse around social media has been well analyzed, and I think the recent rise of short form video platforms (started by TikTok, adopted by other apps), is really turning these apps into a huge time suck. I see it with peers using TikTok, it’s so easy to open the app and kill an hour without even realizing it.
Personally, I refuse to get TikTok, and deleted instagram and Facebook from my Home Screen so I don’t mindlessly scroll much anymore. Video games and streaming services are the biggest sucks of time for me. I also don’t drink, never really have. Most of my friends in college (graduated last year) didn’t really drink either. I can’t speak for them, but I just don’t really care for the taste of alcohol and don’t like how it makes me feel.
Always enjoy your stuff Derek and love that your writing usually matches up with my lived experiences.
I would be super curious to see how the party data plays out geographically. As someone who lives in NYC (and has for nearly a decade) I have seen no shortage of parties—COVID notwithstanding—but perhaps that’s because transit (especially while intoxicated) is often frictionless. But in the nearby Long Island suburbs, I absolutely know from friends that there is simply less partying happening, ditto in other more spread out areas.
Another last note on this: In NYC I have noticed people taking on more days/nights of social isolation, often called “rot” days by Gen Z, where the goal is to stream as much television as possible.
Interesting take on changing ways of socializing. Parenting norms almost certainly play a role as well as big changes in technology. Those time use charts on changes in child care hours are formatted to really create a "spike" look and also are comparing several different data collection sets in the same chart. This chart of the same datasets is annotated differently and visualizes the trend with less emphasis on the "spike". https://imgur.com/a/ZX55zi0
Great article. When I was in my 20's we went places all the time. Getting married reduced that, and it was further reduced by moving to another state.
I'm definitely not as social as I used to be. And two kids and a 20 acre ranch give me plenty of ways to keep busy.
Still the idea of trying to get together with people at least once a month seems like a good one. We are going to two different kids birthday parties this month though, so I will count that as a win.
There’s also something in here a thread, idea, shift - around the existence, or lack thereof, - of weekends and if they exist in the same way they did 20, 30, 40 years ago. Weekends seemingly, and anecdotally, have become activity calendars pursuing the future-state and micro-working timeframes on side hustles, administrative tasks, catching up on work emails, etc.
Just yesterday a teen asked in a Gen X Reddit thread if parties like in movies really ever happened. It was insane to think about kids not trashing parents houses at the first chance anymore.
I’m curious, is o3 correct that the ATUS 15-to-24-year-old subsample (un-weighted)is around 1,050 respondents and doesn’t allow for state-level comparison? Like JP below, I also see lots of partying (and way more epic partying) among teenagers in big cities than how we did it back in the 90s. I’m also curious if the decline correlates with urban / rural / suburban, political affiliation, race, gender, etc.
I think you’ll enjoy the docuseries Social Studies on Hulu. It follows high schoolers in LA with a focus on how they use their phones, and shows how social media + Venmo allow teenagers to organize mega parties. (But maybe this doesn’t happen outside of LA?)
Another thing to blame on the phones: It’s now taboo to drop by someone’s house without texting first to coordinate a time.
As an elder millennial, I can confirm this was common as recently as the 90s, especially at grandma’s house. If a couple aunts and uncles stopped by, you had a social gathering without even trying.
I’m older than you are and I also miss that. I would *love* it if people just dropped by! But I’m leery of doing it myself because, as you note, it’s not something people do anymore. I *do* try to maximize the possibility of running into people, for example by using the main entrance to my apartment building even though the side door is closer to my unit; this helps a little bit.
Interesting piece about a complicated issue. I'd be interested in exploring the linkage between these antisocial developments and the rise of political partisanship and polarization. Intuitively, the decline and restructuring of social interactions that we have seen this century also lead to a decline in understanding and empathy for others, while also reinforcing our own beliefs and experiences. Because there is so much money to made, and influence to be accumulated, surfing these trends, they only get worse. I feel like we are in a doom loop of atomization and social decay, and I have a hard time imagining a path out of this mess.
Check out the work of Michael Bang Petersen on "need for chaos" -- he's found that social isolation seems to increase some ppl's likelihood of viewing politics nihilistically. When they pull themselves out of the world, ppl lose faith in progress and see politics as entertainment, and thus root for the most exciting story.
Also Eitan Hersch on political hobbyism. When politics is seen as a sport/entertainment, it’s decoupled from actually effecting change.
This is an excellent point. When news became entertainment, conflict became essential.
I am very interested in this topic! I have 3 kids ages 15, 13, and 10 and I fight the screen battle every single day. It is so draining. BUT the less screen time they have the more they get out. I am also a party host. Here are my tips: 1) to keep getting invited, you have to try to say yes most of the time when you are invited, 2) if it’s a newer to me group of friends - I say YES even when I know I got an invite on the B list :) you gotta get in somewhere! 3) I don’t love hosting and I don’t think I am so great at it - but really people don’t care and they’re just happy to be invited and not be hosting themselves. I take one for the team and return the favor by hosting things myself too. One thing I have not seen anyone mention, that I find somewhat paralyzing to me as a host is the idea of not leaving people out. I feel this topic is talked about now than when I was a kid (I’m 43). It sucks to leave people out, but you gotta draw the line somewhere. My house can only fit so many people and sometimes I find trying not to leave people out paralyzes me because I only have so much energy to host a bazillion people (like you mention - dual working parent household here) and if I was willing to do smaller, maybe I could do it more often.
I think this is, if anything, understated. Apologies for the wall of text but my experience might be illustrative:
When I was growing up in the 70s-80s, my parents didn't have actual parties - my mom owned a small business and didn't like to cook - but they went out all the time, and had people over/went to others' houses for things like card games. They also did these things with us kids; the adults would play cards and drink while the kids would play/watch tv, then fall asleep and be carried home (late) and put to bed. My parents also went away a lot - by themselves, a separate adult life was a thing back in the day - so later (but before social media made this a Really Bad Idea) I was the one who had parties, and one of my friends and I threw regular parties for our (dorky, honor society, instrument-playing) friend group.
When I started working in the 90s, I had regular dinner parties: first, big batches of spaghetti when we were starting out and scraping by and later, as I learned to cook by cooking, somewhat more elaborate but still casual situations. I once had my entire office over to my studio apartment. When I worked at an embassy in DC, I made myself the Ambassador of Thanksgiving and invited groups of diplomats every year. I also had a big holiday party shortly afterward.
In the late 00s, this all became harder to pull off. People wouldn't RSVP, or would and then not show up, so it became harder to plan for food etc and more frustrating. Parents were swamped by child-activity-related obligations, or didn't want to go to grown-up parties. I switched careers and then worked as a freelancer, a lot of my friends moved away, and it was harder to make new friends without the scaffolding of my previous policy-world ecosystem.
This feels like a real loss. I still try to plan get-togethers, but it's *so hard.* I work almost entirely remotely now (by necessity, not choice). A significant portion of the activities planned by people I know are centered on things like political protests (which are not my jam). Everyone's on a different schedule and a different diet. I (and many of my friends) have family responsibilities that require frequent travel. It sucks, and I don't know how to fix it, even just for myself.
I feel like this trend is reflected in entertainment, too. Commercially successful movies for young people, like Animal House, American Pie, Old School, Super Bad, and probably ending with Project X, revolved around parties as not just formative events, but almost life or death tipping points for kids. Essentially every replacement level teen movie or show in the 2000s used parties as a major plot point.
Big social gatherings really aren’t centered in teen movies anymore, and in the instances that they are featured, it’s usually pretty unremarkable and insignificant.
Hi Derek,
I haven't seen you talk much about this, but I think abundance can make a huge dent into making the "anti-social century" more social. If we build more housing, and make it easier for people to get around without cars by facilitating the use of walking, biking, tram lines, and other forms of transit, then we'll make socializing easier. Because if you can just walk or bike to a nearby bar or museum or library, then that makes it a lot easier to go and do stuff. Having so much of our lives depend upon cars really disincentivizes social gatherings.
Having more ways to get around will also help with health (because we'd be walking or biking more), loneliness for the elderly (because they would be able to get around without driving), give kids more independence (because they can get around more easily), and it'd be better for the environment (because less of us would need and use cars). Couple car dependence with addictive social media, of course many people are just gonna stay home.
I don't know what it is, but ever since I got into terrible zoning laws and the awful side-effects of car-dependent infrastructure, the more I see how much can be helped by focusing on those two issues.
Interesting read, as was your Atlantic piece a few months ago. To me (as a gen z’er) I think there are just a lot more alternative ways to spend time now than in the 80s. I think the rise of TVs maybe sparked this trend, but I think the prevalence of streaming services, video games, and yes, social media, all contribute. When my parents were kids, they had tvs, but were limited to only watching whatever was on the 3 or 4 channels they had at that time. Nowadays, not only do we have more channels and DVR’s to record things, but with streaming services you can essentially watch any movie or any episode of any show that’s ever been on tv (I don’t think that’s an exaggeration) – and you can watch them all in succession. Throw in that they are all constantly adding new content in any genre while competing for our attention, and you get a lot of people watching a lot of Netflix and the like.
Video games have also gotten dramatically better in quality and variety since the 90s as well. Games have much deeper stories, much better graphics and animations, and allow you to play with anyone in the world. These may be physically isolating, but not necessarily socially isolating. I find it interesting that video games are often not included in the discourse around declining socialization.
The discourse around social media has been well analyzed, and I think the recent rise of short form video platforms (started by TikTok, adopted by other apps), is really turning these apps into a huge time suck. I see it with peers using TikTok, it’s so easy to open the app and kill an hour without even realizing it.
Personally, I refuse to get TikTok, and deleted instagram and Facebook from my Home Screen so I don’t mindlessly scroll much anymore. Video games and streaming services are the biggest sucks of time for me. I also don’t drink, never really have. Most of my friends in college (graduated last year) didn’t really drink either. I can’t speak for them, but I just don’t really care for the taste of alcohol and don’t like how it makes me feel.
Always enjoy your stuff Derek and love that your writing usually matches up with my lived experiences.
I would be super curious to see how the party data plays out geographically. As someone who lives in NYC (and has for nearly a decade) I have seen no shortage of parties—COVID notwithstanding—but perhaps that’s because transit (especially while intoxicated) is often frictionless. But in the nearby Long Island suburbs, I absolutely know from friends that there is simply less partying happening, ditto in other more spread out areas.
Another last note on this: In NYC I have noticed people taking on more days/nights of social isolation, often called “rot” days by Gen Z, where the goal is to stream as much television as possible.
Interesting take on changing ways of socializing. Parenting norms almost certainly play a role as well as big changes in technology. Those time use charts on changes in child care hours are formatted to really create a "spike" look and also are comparing several different data collection sets in the same chart. This chart of the same datasets is annotated differently and visualizes the trend with less emphasis on the "spike". https://imgur.com/a/ZX55zi0
Great article. When I was in my 20's we went places all the time. Getting married reduced that, and it was further reduced by moving to another state.
I'm definitely not as social as I used to be. And two kids and a 20 acre ranch give me plenty of ways to keep busy.
Still the idea of trying to get together with people at least once a month seems like a good one. We are going to two different kids birthday parties this month though, so I will count that as a win.
There’s also something in here a thread, idea, shift - around the existence, or lack thereof, - of weekends and if they exist in the same way they did 20, 30, 40 years ago. Weekends seemingly, and anecdotally, have become activity calendars pursuing the future-state and micro-working timeframes on side hustles, administrative tasks, catching up on work emails, etc.
So much food for thought here.
Just yesterday a teen asked in a Gen X Reddit thread if parties like in movies really ever happened. It was insane to think about kids not trashing parents houses at the first chance anymore.
I’m curious, is o3 correct that the ATUS 15-to-24-year-old subsample (un-weighted)is around 1,050 respondents and doesn’t allow for state-level comparison? Like JP below, I also see lots of partying (and way more epic partying) among teenagers in big cities than how we did it back in the 90s. I’m also curious if the decline correlates with urban / rural / suburban, political affiliation, race, gender, etc.
I think you’ll enjoy the docuseries Social Studies on Hulu. It follows high schoolers in LA with a focus on how they use their phones, and shows how social media + Venmo allow teenagers to organize mega parties. (But maybe this doesn’t happen outside of LA?)